Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Just an ordinary day in paradise

Life with the insane:

0430 Arrive home. Find milk carton left on counter. Sniff it. Seems okay. Return it to frig.

0440 Read emails, sip cold water. Answer one email.

0447 In bed beating pillow into submission. Pet Scot opens one eye. “You smell nice,” he says.

0540 or so. Finally off to sleep

0830 Awakened by loud chatter. Open eyes reluctantly. Pet Scot is frowning at his pants.

“Don’t wear those,” I say. “I haven’t hemmed them.”

“I don’t remember these at all,” he says.

“Of course you don’t. I just bought them.”

They’re too long in the leg by maybe an inch and a half.

“It’s too late to change. I’ll be late. Do you think anyone will notice?”

“Wear them and see,” I say, plopping my head back onto the pillow.

1130 Stagger to the kitchen to make coffee. While coffee is brewing, head to potty. House is empty. Find notes stuck to front door reminding me where everyone is.

1140 Sitting at computer eating soft Swiss, a hard roll, and sipping coffee.

1141 Instant message from Pet Scotsman. “My secretary noticed.”

I answer: Noticed what?

He: My pants

Me: What’s she doing noticing your pants

He: remember this morning?

Me: Yes, it was nice. But what about your pants?

He: Not that. My pants from this morning.

Me: Tell her to keep her eyes where they belong. You should listen to me more often.

He: I always listen to you.

0012: Call from Isabella. Iz, Kat, and Annie are off to mall with grandmother.

0015: Decide I didn’t get enough sleep; head for bed.

0230: Reading email from Human Resources manager. No, I do not think we should hire candidate number two. Reason given: He’s vain, does not play well with others, has a history of insulting others. Actual reason: When I was a PhD candidate and working as a part-time custodian where he was a teacher, experienced his abuse first hand. He will never have a job in this school district as long as I’m on the interview committee.

0240: Writing this. Listening to Liz as I do. Liz wants to know what to do with neighbor boy who’s 1. A pest and 2. Thinks he’s God’s gift to woman-kind. We have dealt with this before. I will escalate.

0257: Find boy outside. Tell him what’s what. Scoffs at me. I reply with calm but firm words to which he says, “You can’t do that.” To which I reply, “Watch me.” I summon his father. Father is as brash as son but has much more sense. Tells son to keep his distance. They’re Jamaican and run a house church. Remind father what a public-record restraining order will do to his church. I hate religious hypocrites.

0325 Text message from husband. “I forgot. Do you work tonight?” I answer same.

So how was your day?

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